Archer Bait
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency finds a foolproof way to do some easy bounty hunting.


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is in the hospital. Just a thought about one way the Figgis Agency could make some easy money. Quite obvious actually. **

**Archer Bait **

Sterling Archer lay unconscious and alone in a hospital room. Oblivious to a tall man with brown hair and a beard disguised as a doctor.

"So, this is what has become of the great and powerful Duchess?" The man said in a thick French-Canadian accent. "Such a tragedy. To die alone and forgotten. Well not completely forgotten. I'll make sure people remember you. Even if it is only one of the people I have assassinated. Au revoir Archer…"

He shot Archer twice. To his shock, Archer sat up and opened his eyes. "Sacre bleu!" The man gasped.

Archer's mouth opened up and a purple gas emitted from his mouth. "Qu'est-ce que c est?" The man gasped before the gas hit his face. He fell to the floor unconscious. He didn't see three figures wearing gas masks behind him.

Less than ten minutes later, the unconscious man was hog tied and thrown to the floor in a nearby room. "Anybody recognize **this one**?" Ray asked Lana, and Pam as they removed their gas masks.

"Nope," Lana shook her head.

Krieger was at a computerized monitoring station in a corner. "Got it! His name is Jacques St. Jacques…"

"I applaud his parents on their originality," Ray quipped.

"He's a freelance assassin wanted by at least five different countries and a principality," Krieger pointed to the information on the computer. "Has ties to the Free Nova Scotia movement and Shining Path…"

"God those guys **still **hold a grudge?" Pam asked.

"Apparently," Krieger shrugged.

"The FBI is on their way," Cyril told the others as he walked into the room with Mallory. "And they're bringing the checkbook!"

"Okay so what the hell is all **this?"** Mallory looked around.

"We caught another assassin trying to kill Archer," Lana pointed to the unconscious hog-tied man.

"We figured out a way to make some easy bounty hunting money," Pam grinned. "Using Archer as bait!"

"What?" Mallory shouted. She looked at the monitor. "Is that Sterling…? But that's not his room!"

"Yeah that's where the whole bait part comes in," Ray said. "You know that I Hate Archer website?"

"That's **still up?"** Mallory asked.

"Yeah," Pam nodded. "We put in a fake room number online so that people who want to kill Archer can read about it and go to the wrong room."

"We're using one of Krieger's cyborgs as a decoy," Lana explained. "It also has a camera inside it. And some knockout gas."

"When the perp tries to shoot it or shoots it," Pam explained. "Out comes the knockout gas and ka-pow! We bag 'em and tag 'em!"

"I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner," Krieger remarked. "This whole Archer sting is a goldmine!"

"And the hospital just **let** you do this?" Mallory was stunned.

"Apparently this particular wing has been used for sting operations before," Lana said. "Usually by the police and feds. And a few doctor's wives trying to find out if their husbands are cheating on them. We just paid a small fee and gave them another one of Krieger's robot clones as a teaching tool."

Mallory snapped. "I don't care if you paid in smiles and sunshine! No more using my son as bait!"

"But he's the third guy we caught this week!" Pam protested. "And it's only Tuesday!"

Krieger added. "And he has a fifty-grand bounty on his head!"

"Plus," Lana said. "With all these bounties we're collecting, our agency is finally getting some good publicity among law enforcement. Our reputation hasn't been this high in years."

Mallory paused. "Then again it's not like Sterling was actually **in **the room."

"And let's be honest," Ray said. "There are a lot of people who are probably going to come after Archer anyway. Might as well catch them before they do any real damage."

"And make a profit for the agency," Cyril added. "We already made over two hundred thousand dollars this week."

"Fine," Mallory said. "But you do this at a different hospital and I get a fifty percent cut."

"Thirty percent," Cyril said as he took out a bottle. "Different location. And I throw in a bottle of Glengoolie Gold every time we get a guy."

"To be fair," Pam told Mallory. "That's where half of your profits go anyway."

"Deal," Mallory took the bottle. "But we really need to do this at a different location away from Sterling."

"We were thinking using one of Cheryl's places and turning it into a secret hospital," Lana explained. "Probably out in Malibu."

"That is a good location if you're in a coma," Mallory admitted. "Or have any kind of brain damage."

A minor alarm sounded. "We got another one!" Krieger called out from his monitoring station.

"_Already?"_ Lana did a double take.

"They are crawling out of the woodwork to bump Archer off," Pam nodded.

"Okay," Mallory gulped. "Maybe this sting operation isn't the worst thing in the world?"

"This will teach you to dump me you bastard!" A female voice was heard.

"It's Andrea!" Krieger was stunned.

"Crazy Andrea from work?" Lana was stunned. "The one who set fire to the copy machine?"

"And one of my furs!" Mallory bristled. She took out her gun from her purse. "This one is on me." She left the room.

"You think she's wanted for something?" Pam asked.

"Well she used to work in our office," Ray said. "Odds are yes."

"Ironically," Cyril remarked. "This is the first time Archer has actually **helped** making money for this agency."


End file.
